Once upon a time, way back at the start of Ancient Egypt, there was a family. They were a close family, and by close, I mean CLOSE. There were four children, Osiris, Isis, Nephthys and Seth. Osiris and Isis were married, because that’s how the Egyptians did things, and Nephthys was married to Seth.

That’s what I meant by close. There wasn’t a lot of choice for royalty in those days, if you wanted to keep the bloodline pure.

Osiris was the MAN. As the eldest, he ruled over Egypt and he did a great job of it. He was kind, charismatic, stunningly handsome, and an all-around great guy. The women wanted him and the men wanted to be him. Some of the men likely wanted to be with him, too, and some of the ladies likely wanted to be him. He was that popular guy who wears his popularity well and doesn’t annoy the crap out of people with it.

Well… there was one person he annoyed the crap out of.

Seth was jealous of his brother’s success. Everything Osiris did annoyed the overshadowed Seth. The fact that his wife Nephthys slept with Osiris at one point and had his son hadn’t helped matters much. Anger and frustration raged beneath Seth’s smiles, as he quietly plotted a way to get his revenge on his oh-so-perfect brother.

One day, when Osiris held a banquet at the palace, Seth showed up with a large, ornate box. Seth was usually invited to these things, but it was unusual for him to bring a box as his +1. This wasn’t just any box. It was large, made of gold, and set with beautiful gems and precious stones. This was the Cadillac of boxes, and for once, everyone was looking at something other than Osiris. The guests were fascinated with the box. Even Osiris.

“I’ve got a game for us to play.” Seth announced. “This box will go to the winner as the prize.”

“What do we have to do?” Osiris asked as the other guests murmured excitedly.

“It’s quite simple!” Seth smiled. “The box will go to the person who can fit perfectly inside the box – who is neither too big or too small once the lid is shut.”

“I’ve got this.” Osiris grinned, cracking his knuckles. “Anyone mind if I go first?”

No one did. This was Osiris. Like I said, he was the MAN. Seth smiled and opened the box for his brother to climb in.

Now, for all Osiris’ many, many gifts, it seems that intelligence wasn’t one of them. He happily climbed in to the box, excited about the prize he was about to win. Unknown to him, Seth had created the box with Osiris’ measurements in mind, so he knew that his brother would fit inside it perfectly. Once he was in, Seth slammed the lid shut, locked the box, and – with his divine, godly strength – picked it up and tossed it in the Nile.

“Ha!” Cried Seth. “What a loser! Osiris is gone – the kingdom is MINE now!”

The guests wailed and mourned Osiris, but none mourned louder than Isis and Nephthys. Both sisters loved their brother (in more ways than one), and rushed out of the palace to try to find Osiris.

Osiris, Isis and Nephthys. He’s looking a bit green… I might, too, if my brother just killed me!

They searched for a long time. The Nile swept Osiris away quickly, and they had no idea where he had gone. After a long time, Isis located the box (though how she got it is a story for another time), and brought it back to Egypt. She and Nephthys hid Osiris’ body (you can’t go to sailing in a box for long periods of time without food or water without dying, for the record) while Isis looked for a way to bring her husband back to life.

While Isis was looking for a solution to this whole dead-Osiris issue, Seth was out walking. Egypt hadn’t done well under his rule, and people didn’t like him as much as they did Osiris. He was kind of bitter about that. So, when he happened to stumble across Osiris’ body – still looking handsome despite the whole death thing, for the record – Seth gave ‘overkill’ new meaning and took out his frustrations on Osiris’ corpse. He chopped off Osiris’ head, his arms, his hands, legs… the dead god ended up in 14 pieces in total. Thirteen of these, Seth threw back in to the Nile. He kept one very… significant… piece of his brother’s anatomy as a trophy. This became known as the Talisman of Seth, though whether he actually wore his brother’s dick as a talisman, I don’t think I want to know.

Once again, Isis found out that Seth had tossed her husband in to the Nile, and once again, she and Nephthys set out to go and find him. So the story goes, everywhere that a piece of Osiris washed ashore, one of the great cities of Egypt was founded. Seth didn’t like that much, either.

It took Isis and Nephthys quite a while, but eventually they gathered up all the pieces of Osiris. Isis had managed to discover a way to return Osiris to life with the Secret Name Of Ra, but there was that one important piece of Osiris missing. Isis, being the goddess of magic, created a new one for him out of gold and used the Secret Name of Ra to reanimate Osiris. Undead Osiris came back to life, though his skin was tinged green from having been dead so long. Isis didn’t care. She pounced on Osiris, taking advantage of the new gold penis she’d created for him, which worked well enough that she became pregnant with their son, Horus.

Unfortunately, undead, green, and no longer whole, Osiris couldn’t remain in the world of the living. He descended in to the underworld to protect over the spirits of the dead and show everyone that, even dead, he was still the man.


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